Adventures in Dating

On the theme of husbands and dating and commitment phobia, it's been requested of me to write about one of my ... I don't know what word to use. "Guy I chat with and have met once" seems a bit long, datee? new friend with long term potential? I like that last one for this person, but I'll put NFWLTP for short. I'll come up with something easier to remember later.

First, online, he's pretty easy to talk to, and it's pretty easy, nice to listen to him talk back. No annoying habits. Seems interested without prying. Open minded and accepting. I could go on, but I want to get on with the in-person meeting.

We planned to meet for a simple cheap lunch at a fast food restaurant. This seemed like a good way to get a good first glance. A person can seem very charming online but can be hard to relate to in person.

I was very nervous. I am always nervous at speaking to most anyone for the first time, much less a stranger I met off the internet. Like I said, a public place was chosen for safety sake and because it also happened to be convenient.

I'd seen a picture and knew he looked a bit geeky and had a beard. I don't usually go for beards - or guys who look very geeky - but I'm trying to broaden my perspective on appearance. That, and he was just so enjoyable to talk to that I really wanted very much to find him attractive. The beard was fairly short and neatly trimmed, so I thought I could get used to it. It's hard for me to not look at a guy with a beard and not think of my dad and well, I really don't want to go there. But hey, it's a changeable thing anyway so maybe he'd be willing to shave it? I knew, anyway, that no matter how a person looked, it was the person themselves that had the strongest effect on how I see them.

So, back to the first meeting. I was sooo nervous. What if I didn't hit it off with him in person? What if he was into me and I just couldn't return the feeling? In case it isn't obvious, I have very little experience with dating. I've only just begun to get the idea that it's really ok to just say "You are a great guy, but I don't think it's going to work out," but it's still hard.

I got to the meeting place before he did and was getting more and more nervous, so I ordered myself a little something to keep my mind off waiting.

Just to throw an extra wrench into the mix, I ordered something that I hadn't had since I was, oh, probably 5 years old. Something that I used to get when I was a kid - back before my parents divorced, when I lived in a different world - one where the father who made me feel loved and protected was there for me and not living hours away where I rarely heard from him. I'm still coming to terms with my feelings about all that, so I was completely blindsided by the feelings that came with the memories. I nearly started sobbing in the middle of the restaurant. A great start to a first meeting - struggling to keep myself together and the "date" hadn't even started yet.

Finally he walks in and smiles a bit shyly. He was a bit scruffier than the picture, but despite that he somehow made me think of me of a Catholic schoolboy. Maybe that's just because I knew he was Catholic, but I thought I could get used to it so long as he kept talking to me the way he did online. I tried to think of some way to get past the awkwardness and so asked him about some stuff he'd mentioned in his profile. It was a little personal, divorce type stuff, but it turned out to be a good choice. His caring for his son and the tough spot he's in instantly invoked sympathy, and I'm a sucker for that. He had nice eyes and a sense of humor, but nothing about the encounter swept me off my feet. I left feeling fairly unsure of which way it would go.

Maybe I'm weird, but I think most men aren't all that good looking. Conversely, I think LOTS of women are very good looking. What makes a man attractive to me, ultimately, is his personality, and sometimes that can be confusing to figure out what a person really is like when you're both nervous.

So, lunch over, we walked out in separate directions since we'd parked on opposite sides of the building. Later, at night, we had another very nice, long conversation online. I was again impressed with how relaxed and at ease I felt talking with him. The hours kept rolling by and my eyes kept trying to shut, but it was hard to make myself go to sleep. Eventually, at some 2am in the morning, or was it 4? sheer exhaustion won out.

I still wasn't sure what to make of him. I worried that if it worked out with him, or someone like him, someday I'd wake up, bored, wondering what I'd got myself into. I thought maybe I wanted more excitement, adventure in my life than he might offer. I want to do things like - oh, jump out of a perfectly good plane, take up shooting again, ride a motorcycle or some sort of other fast moving vehicle, and just generally try exciting things. I don't need it to be every day or even very frequently, but I do have a tiny little wild streak and I thought perhaps it had something to do with long term commitments feeling like a trap. Maybe it was a matter of finding someone willing to do those things with me or at least encourage me and find ways to liven things up with me.

So, over the next few days, I met multiple other men online - chatting and conversing on the phone - looking for something - a little wild streak, sense of adventure. All of them were either exciting or interesting or nice, but I realized something after a few days without hearing much from geeky guy.

I noticed something, though, after a few days. The geeky looking guy hadn't logged in to talk to me, and I was disappointed. I missed talking to him. Missed the ease and the quiet and relaxed feel of just hanging with him chatting. I found myself waiting and wondering when he'd come back and wondering and feeling nervous, after all, about whether he'd liked what he saw. .

When I finally found him online again, I was ridiculously pleased to see him and nervous and relieved that he seemed happy to talk to me. He was just as I remembered. It's still early. I'm still meeting people and figuring out what I want. I'm still wondering whether anyone would really want to take on me and all that complications that come with me.

I'm still figuring out whether I can make a commitment without feeling stifled, but I know it's starting to sound much more appealing. In the meantime, I'd like to keep talking to geeky guy as much as he wants to.

a late new year

Some nice, anonymous person left me a comment complimenting on the improvement of my writing. I was surprised because I hadn't thought much about this blog in a while. Life has been pretty rough on me for a long while, so I haven't had much energy for it. Or is it that I haven't had much energy because I haven't been writing? I do enjoy it, even when it turns out bad. It really doesn't take effort since my mind is constantly turning my thoughts over trying to figure out "how would I say this if I had to explain it to someone". Of course, I don't really know who the someone will be or what they will understand or not, but it seems to be a habit to try to come up with something anyway.

I also realized that I hadn't written or even come up with a resolution for the year. Not even one. I don't understand it. I've never had a problem with coming up with multiple resolutions but here it is, day 21, and I have nothing in mind.

I'm hoping just attempting to write will inspire me to some great idea about what I want to have done by the end of the year. Find a husband? Wow. I've never thought of it quite so bluntly before. It would be nice to have some companionship in my old age. (I'm the dreaded 37 now), but I have to admit, I'm pretty wary of commitment. I don't know if that's the right way to say it. I'm afraid I'll jump into something and it'll be good for a year or two or 5, but then I'll wake up one day and realize it was a huge mistake. No, it probably wouldn't feel like that overnight, but the idea of feeling that I will either hurt someone or be stuck, caged. Yes, caged is how I would describe the feeling I associate with marriage. In my ideal, romantic world, marriage is associated with security, companionship, adventure, and hot, wild s*x. I don't mind if it's not always like that, but frequently enough to remember the good stuff even when things aren't going well would be nice.

Ok, so I think I've thought of something I'd like to make my resolution this year. It is something like

"Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before."

My resolution will be a bit scaled down, something more like, "My mission: to explore what is new to me in this strange world, to seek out new life, new experiences, and to boldly go where I have never gone before."

In summary, I want to challenge myself to seek new experiences, adventure,and fun. This doesn't mean recklessness, just balancing the stresses and troubles in my life with some deliberate adventures. They don't all have to be silly and fun, they could be serious efforts at perfecting a skill. Just something outside of my usually daily grind. The long term stuff, well, I hope it works out, but I think I need to do some important research first - meet people, find out more about them, and see which ones I can live with or without. Perhaps that would make a good second resolution.

I might come up with some others later, but I have new adventures to seek at the moment.