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My ideas are constantly changing as I learn. Sometimes they even change midway through writing a post.

Tuesday, June 24

I'm 36

I don't know why, but I'm disappointed with it. I guess I haven't quite let go of the idea that my birthday ought to be a national holiday of some sort. I don't necessarily like parties - all that attention turned on me at once. I do like "some" attention though. But I think I keep hoping for something else - something that has rarely happened. The closest I've come to having that was my 17th birthday.

The mother of my then boyfriend made me a homemade chocolate cake. His siblings gave me little presents (odd, unidentifiable, stuffed animals from their collections). Nothing fancy, but genuine - something a little beyond the everyday - but not too much. Not that I don't enjoy some extravagance sometimes. My 16th birthday was like that. A group of friends arranged for a clown (to my complete embarrassment and delight) and then we walked over together to a dance. It did make me feel special - cared for.

I've had "nice" ones since then - mostly when I've arranged for them myself. I just haven't had the energy to do much about them the last few years. I had meant to do something this year, but somehow it snuck up on me.

I used to take the day off, but I'm using up my vacation pretty fast this year. I'm trying to save a little for later. Ah well, it might be a good time to reflect on my New Year's resolution. My resolution is very very simple this year - self-discipline. I want to develop a backbone. Do what I say I will or don't say it. That kind of thing. It didn't seem like much happened at all the first month or so but I kept thinking about it and making little changes. Progress is starting to accelerate. I thought it might. It's like an analogy I heard... something about moving a flywheel. It can take a lot of effort to get it started, but if you keep at it, little by little, it gets moving - and then it takes off with its own momentum and far less effort than it took to get started. I was hoping self-discipline would work that way. So far, it seems to. We'll see.

Maybe I should have a "Birthday Resolution" as well. Nothing leaps out as an obvious need right at the moment. Self-discipline seemed to be the "root" of my lack of progress in all other areas.

Maybe a birthday resolution should be a sort of gift to myself. Less of a "make myself do something" and more of a "I'm going to let myself ...." It should be something good for me, of course. No point in taking up something self-destructive.

What do I most want to do? Guitar lessons? Bungie Jumping? Singing lessons? Drawing lessons? (I sense a theme of wanting to learn here although the bungie jumping is... jumping out at me). I've always wanted to jump out of a perfectly good plane. I find it difficult sometimes to be in high places. On the one hand, I can be afraid of falling. On the other hand, I find myself wondering what it would feel like to free fall... wanting to take a running jump off the edge. Not that I want to hit the ground or die or anything. It's the freefall part I want to experience. Perhaps it could be a goal for the year to work up to taking a sky dive. :) Or something like it.

Another thing I've always wanted to do was sing/perform. I've got a huge fear of speaking in front of large groups. Performing is slightly easier. At least, when I played flute and would have a solo - I found playing for a crowd to be exciting despite being a bit nervous. Singing and playing guitar or a piano might be more fun because, hopefully, I'd be performing something the crowd is more interested in. Of course, first I'd have to be good at it. Would take a lot of work. Not sure I have the time.

Ideas anyone?

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