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My ideas are constantly changing as I learn. Sometimes they even change midway through writing a post.

Thursday, January 21

a late new year

Some nice, anonymous person left me a comment complimenting on the improvement of my writing. I was surprised because I hadn't thought much about this blog in a while. Life has been pretty rough on me for a long while, so I haven't had much energy for it. Or is it that I haven't had much energy because I haven't been writing? I do enjoy it, even when it turns out bad. It really doesn't take effort since my mind is constantly turning my thoughts over trying to figure out "how would I say this if I had to explain it to someone". Of course, I don't really know who the someone will be or what they will understand or not, but it seems to be a habit to try to come up with something anyway.

I also realized that I hadn't written or even come up with a resolution for the year. Not even one. I don't understand it. I've never had a problem with coming up with multiple resolutions but here it is, day 21, and I have nothing in mind.

I'm hoping just attempting to write will inspire me to some great idea about what I want to have done by the end of the year. Find a husband? Wow. I've never thought of it quite so bluntly before. It would be nice to have some companionship in my old age. (I'm the dreaded 37 now), but I have to admit, I'm pretty wary of commitment. I don't know if that's the right way to say it. I'm afraid I'll jump into something and it'll be good for a year or two or 5, but then I'll wake up one day and realize it was a huge mistake. No, it probably wouldn't feel like that overnight, but the idea of feeling that I will either hurt someone or be stuck, caged. Yes, caged is how I would describe the feeling I associate with marriage. In my ideal, romantic world, marriage is associated with security, companionship, adventure, and hot, wild s*x. I don't mind if it's not always like that, but frequently enough to remember the good stuff even when things aren't going well would be nice.

Ok, so I think I've thought of something I'd like to make my resolution this year. It is something like

"Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before."

My resolution will be a bit scaled down, something more like, "My mission: to explore what is new to me in this strange world, to seek out new life, new experiences, and to boldly go where I have never gone before."

In summary, I want to challenge myself to seek new experiences, adventure,and fun. This doesn't mean recklessness, just balancing the stresses and troubles in my life with some deliberate adventures. They don't all have to be silly and fun, they could be serious efforts at perfecting a skill. Just something outside of my usually daily grind. The long term stuff, well, I hope it works out, but I think I need to do some important research first - meet people, find out more about them, and see which ones I can live with or without. Perhaps that would make a good second resolution.

I might come up with some others later, but I have new adventures to seek at the moment.